Physics Jokes


A priest, a drunkard and a physicist were condemned to die by the guillotine. The priest is led up to the guillotine and is asked if he prefers to be facing up or down. He replies "I would like my last earthly sight to be of heaven". The executioner then fastens him in face up and releases the guillotine blade. It falls, but stops just within an inch of his throat. "A miracle!" the crowd of spectators shouts in unison, and the priest is released unharmed.

Next, the drunkard is led up the steps and he is asked if he prefers to face up or down. "Upward", he replied, "so that I can drink, one last time, some good wine you pour down my throat!" After the drunkard is given a drink, the huge blade is released and plummets downward, but stops within an inch of his throat. "Mon dieu! A second miracle!" the crowd cheers, and he is released unharmed.

Finally, the physicist is led up to be executed. He also chooses to be shackled to the guillotine faceup. The crowd is placing bets left and right about whether a third miracle will take place. As he lies faceup, he ponders the death apparatus above him. Raising his hand, moments before the executioner releases the blade, the physicist declares, "Wait, wait! ... I see what your problem is!"


A physics student was hit by a brick falling from a house. He fainted, but came to after a while and started smiling. The onlookers were worried, so they asked him why the smile. "I just realized how lucky I am because the kinetic energy is only half m v squared."

The experimentalist comes running excitedly into the theorist's office, waving a graph taken off his latest experiment. "Hmmm," says the theorist, "That's exactly where you'd expect to see that peak. Here's the reason." A long logical explanation follows. In the middle of it, the experimentalist says "Wait a minute", studies the chart for a second, and says, "Oops, this is upside down." He fixes it. "Hmmm," says the theorist, "you'd expect to see a dip in exactly that position. Here's the reason...".

A mathematician, an engineer and a physicist sat around a table discussing how to measure the volume of a cow.

The mathematician suggested the use of geometry and symmetry relationships of the cow, but his idea was rejected on the grounds of being too time consuming.

The engineer suggested placing the cow in a pool of water and measuring the change in the height of the water, but his idea was rejected on the grounds of impracticality.

"It's easy," said the physicist. "We'll make an assumption that the cow is a small sphere, calculate the volume and then blow it up to the actual size."

Chemistry is physics without thought. Mathematics is physics without purpose.

Heisenberg, when will you be sure of yourself?

Physics Revisited

  • Gravity was discovered by Sir Isaac Newton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn, when the apples are falling off the trees.
  • You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it, you got hit, so never mind.
  • When people run around and around in circles, we say they are crazy. When planets do it, we say they are orbiting.
  • The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum.
  • The moon is more useful than the sun, because the moon shines at night when you want the light, whereas the sun shines during the day when you don't need it.
  • To remove air from a flask, fill it with water, tip the water out, and put the cork in quick before the air can get back in.
  • Isn't it meaningless to speak of a 45 degrees angle unless you specify Fahrenheit or Celsius?
  • An object at rest will always be in the wrong place.
  • An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction.
  • For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
  • Doppler Effect is the tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when you come at them rapidly.
  • Lenz's Law: Everything you start works against you.

You Might Be a Physicist if...

  • the water in your kettle is boiling at 373 Kelvin.
  • you know that the velocity of light is 299,792.5 km/sec.
  • you know the direction the water swirls when you flush.
  • you've already calculated how much you earn per second.
  • you are sure that differential equations are a very useful tool.
  • you are at an air show and know how fast the skydivers are falling.
  • you know the second law of thermodynamics, but not your own shirt size.
  • you avoid stirring your coffee because you don't want to increase the entropy of the universe.
  • you try to explain entropy to strangers at your table during casual dinner conversation.
  • your three year old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to explain atmospheric absorption theory.
  • you're at a wine tasting event and find yourself paying more attention to the cork screws than the Chardonnay.
  • you carry on a one-hour debate over the expected results of an experiment that actually takes five minutes to run.

You Might Be a Physicist Part 2

  • if you have no life - and you can PROVE it mathematically.
  • if you enjoy pain.
  • if you know vector calculus but you can't remember how to do long division.
  • if you chuckle whenever anyone says "centrifugal force".
  • if you've actually used every single function on your graphing calculator.
  • if it is sunny and 70 degrees outside, and you are working on a computer.
  • if you know how to integrate a chicken and can tale the derivative of water.
  • if you've calculated that the World Series actually diverges.
  • if you hesitate to look at something because you don't want to break down its wave function.
  • if you have a pet named after a scientist.
  • if you laugh at jokes about mathematicians.
  • if the Humane Society has you arrested because you actually performed the Schrödinger's Cat experiment.
  • if you can translate English into Binary.
  • if you'll assume that a "horse" is a "sphere" in order to make the math easier.

A neutron walks into a bar; he asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender looks at him, and says "For you, no charge."

Two atoms bump into each other. One says "I think I lost an electron!" The other asks, "Are you sure?", to which the first replies, "I'm positive."

Heisenberg is out for a drive when he's stopped by a traffic cop. The cop says "Do you know how fast you were going?" Heisenberg says "No, but I know where I am."

You can also check out these sites for more Physics and Science humor:

DC Physics Humor:

University of Iowa:

Particle Data Group:

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